Self-Care Is Not Selfish (and it never was)

Many of us live our lives guided by invisible rules. Do any of these resonate for you:

• I should keep going.

• I must just push through.

• Once everything else is done, then I can rest.

• I don't have time in the day for me

But for many people, “everything else” is never done, and the time rarely comes for rest. We live in a world full of shoulds and musts — at work, at home, in relationships — and somewhere along the way, caring for ourselves slips to the bottom of the list. Or falls off the list completely. When we do think about self-care, we dismiss it as selfish, indulgent, or unnecessary.

So let’s pause and question that idea.

What Do We Mean When We Say “Selfish”?

Being selfish usually means acting at the expense of others, with little regard for their wellbeing. Self-care is the opposite. Self-care is about maintaining your capacity — emotionally, physically, mentally — so that you can show up in your life in a sustainable way.

There’s a reason airlines give the instruction they do:

If the oxygen masks drop, put on your own mask first before assisting others.

Not because helping others doesn’t matter — but because you cannot help anyone if you are depleted, overwhelmed, or burnt out. Self-care is not about choosing yourself instead of others. It’s about choosing yourself so that you can continue to care, work, relate, and live your life.

Who Struggles With Self-Care?

Self-care is something many people struggle with, including:

• People who say yes automatically, even when they’re exhausted

• People who struggle to set boundaries at work and take work home every night

• People who are reliable, capable, and always “the strong one”

• People who feel guilty resting

• People who don’t know how to stop once they start

• People who were taught that productivity equals worth

If you recognise yourself here, you’re not failing at self-care — you were probably just never taught how to prioritise yourself without guilt.

So… What Is Self-Care?

Self-care is any intentional action that supports your wellbeing.

• It doesn’t have to be expensive.

• It doesn’t have to be aesthetic.

• It doesn’t have to look the same for everyone.

Self-care can be many things:

• Physical

• Emotional

• Sensory

• Creative

• Social

• Playful

• Restorative

And importantly — self-care is not something you wait for time to appear for. Time needs to be created through choices, boundaries, and permission.

Self-Care Is Not Only Rest — It’s Also Play

We often talk about self-care as rest (which is important), but play matters too. Play is not just for children.

Play:

• Regulates the nervous system

• Reduces stress and anxiety

• Creates moments of joy and lightness

• Allows creativity without pressure

• Helps us reconnect with ourselves

Play doesn’t need to be productive or useful.

It can be:

• Colouring in

• Building a puzzle

• Crafting

• Knitting or crocheting

• Building something with your hands

• Gardening

• Disco dancing in the kitchen

• Laughing, being silly, doing something “just because”

If your life feels heavy, play can be a powerful form of care.

Examples of Self-Care (That Aren’t “Bubble Baths”)

Self-care might look like:

• Saying no without over-explaining

• Leaving work at work

• Taking a proper lunch break

• Going to bed earlier

• Letting something be “good enough”

• Asking for help

• Spending time alone

• Moving your body gently

• Creating something with no outcome in mind

• Doing something that brings comfort or calm

Noticing the “Shoulds” That Hold You Back

One of the biggest barriers to self-care is the internal voice that says:

• I should be doing more

• I must finish everything first

• Other people need me

• I don’t have time

• It’s not that bad

• I’ll do it later

Becoming aware of these “shoulds” is often the first step toward change.

A Gentle Invitation

You don’t need to overhaul your life to begin caring for yourself.

You can start by:

• Noticing what drains you

• Naming what restores you

• Giving yourself permission to choose yourself — even briefly but regularly

To support this process, I’ve created a free printable where you can:

• Write down the “shoulds” that are holding you back

• Explore what self-care and play could look like for you

• Begin creating small, realistic moments of care in your everyday life

You deserve care not because you’ve earned it — but because you are human and you need it.